Family Health Jokester Gifts

I'm worried about Uncle Tony. He's looking a little drawn.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

There aren't any serious side effects — just an occasional Elvis sighting.

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

Pharmaco. He writes drug side effect warnings. Ah, a health scare provider.

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

"Next time you give CPR try not to use your tongue."

'So did you want the ectomy, or just the otomy?'

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'

' ... and a side order of statins.'

'Are you sure sitting on a bean bag chair isn't considered getting a daily requirement of vegetables?'

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

'I don't need a bed pan, but an oil pan would be nice.'

'No! Not the second pair of gloves...'

'You've got Finklestein's syndrome!' - 'Are you Finklestein?'

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

"Hold on! A new study says those are actually bad for you."

'It hurts when I cackle!'

Health food and junk food

CITY CLINIC: 'I want to see whichever doctor is the fattest.'

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

Am I in good shape, Doc? If you think "spherical" is a good shape. (Published originally on January 9, 2014.)