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'Said once, and never again!'

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

Relationship Warning Lights

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy'. You in?"

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

Children's Party

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I'll go to my room and do my homework, but I want time and a half."

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"This is not what I meant when I said you needed to practice your play fighting..."

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

What are we doing today? Installing raised beds. Then we'll plant them for a couple who want organic vegetables. Brilliant, Dad. Tree's Tree Nursery. You take the hard work out of gardening. Right. And give it to me! Right again!