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"Can I borrow the car keys?"

I like the Jets...I guess

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"Truth is relative at these reunions. It depends on which relative you talk to."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"Nothing else in my room can spin on the floor like a bottle."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

A child as a pet substitute.

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"Could you please downgrade this to a C? High expectations bring out the worst in my parents."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'So, you're an organ-grinder's monkey? A professional beggar? Is that how you intend to support my daughter?'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

'You are right, honey, it's raining too much. It's not the best day to visit my mom.'

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."