Family Conversation Gifts

"Daddy, what did you do during the Coronavirus?"

"When I grow up, I want to impeach a president."

"Jack and Nina's concern grew when their son, James, confided in them that his imaginary friend was, in fact, a short-tempered snapping turtle."

"Where else in the world would you get such wonderful sunsets?"

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

"What's that mark on your arm, Mama?"

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"I like movies that resemble my life, so I don't feel like I'm wasting time watching a movie."

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

So you're a mocking bird...

"He's sworn never to say Boudicca, ShrOwsbury, whoM, or narrative."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"Ever feel like even when you're barking at something you're still barking at nothing?"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Death Star? Is that in the Valley?"

"Gals, you know I hate being the center of attention, so for the next 45 minutes I am going to monologue about all the minute details of my wedding planning."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

"So, what do you do for play?"

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Truth is relative at these reunions. It depends on which relative you talk to."

"He gets easily abstracted."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"Pssst! I had some CGI done."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"...Ooh, I wanna know more about your dark side!"