Family Anchor Gifts

'We just couldn't live with ourselves if we put mother in a home...'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

"They grow up so fast."

'Ahhh...'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"Which news channel should we watch?"

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

Any idea how long your family might be visiting?

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

Local News in Heaven

'Och lye the news'

Turkey, present day...

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

Reporter #6: television.