Expensive Dining Gifts

'Sure $16.95 is a lot for a burger and fries, but what can you do?'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"Is the MSG local?"

Dog Dressed to Eat

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

'Your stab at ordering the wine in French went well.'

"How sweet, your hand is trembling."

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

'Is this still America?'