Expectant Jokesters Gifts

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Break Water'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Raised by Dogs

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'I felt it put it's little boot in then!'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Lesbians for Christ

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

Santa Elevator

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'A boy? Come on, Mom, you can do better than that!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'