Expectant Jokesters Mugs

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Break Water'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

Baby sees bottle with math formula marked, 'Baby Formula'.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Raised by Dogs

'Ever since I've started showing, my husband has affectionately called me 'Three Humps'...'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I felt it put it's little boot in then!'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"Honey! What's wrong. . . Mommy get you a band-aid!"

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Lesbians for Christ

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

Santa Elevator

There's a toxic cloud moving in our direction! Hurry! Teddy's home from sports camp. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'So tell me, what is it about your life that isn't making sense to you.'

'A boy? Come on, Mom, you can do better than that!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!