Executor Gifts

"There's no need for your kitty to be envious. After state and federal taxes and legal administrative fees, Chessy's share of Aunt Martha's estate came to hardly anything."

"Anyone who isn't specifically named in the will still receives one of these valuable gift bags."

"I'll read the will."

'He's gone. Call the auctioneer.'

"You can all leave now...except the cat."

"Just like he did when he was alive the lazy sod!"

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

Working in the Hazard Zone!

Cut!

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

'Who wants to work late again, raise your hands.'

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

Canadian film production

Danger Slow Sand.

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Buster Keaton

‘I've cleared the morning, but you've got bandits at twelve o'clock ...'

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

'This is the last time we hire former Cirque du Soleil members as stompers.'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Little Red Riding Carpet

"Oh, oh, it seems they've had a little trouble with the hand-off in lane number three."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

"All stories have been told, all songs have been sung. But that won't stop us from making movie reboots."