Etiquette Evangelist Pillows

'Hey! Eyes up here!'

'You're just throwing it on the ground? -- It wouldn't kill you to bring along some paper plates.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

How The Sausage Is Eaten

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

Awkward First Dates

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."