Etiquette Evolutionist Pillows

"Please to meet you."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Awkward First Dates

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

What a gentleman imagines while he holds a door open.