Ethical Business Gifts

'They're not our 'profits,' Mike. We like to think of them as the organic by-products of non-toxic capitalism!'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, 'What's in it for me?'"

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"We'd better watch Cranston. He looks like a whistleblower."

'This is from a post-ethics phase.'

Water company bonus.

'This is Harris, he's been with the firm some 45 years!'

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

"Hi, Bob - your consultants have just arrived."

'You've become like a son to me, Alvin. But the company has strict rules against nepotism, so I have to let you go.'

'Nothing about the evils of corporate downsizing?'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

'Please remember, it's not a lie if it turns a profit.'

'Risky, but I like it!'

"No coal here, either - but you never know until you look."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"Unlike other companies, we are going to take the high road through this rough time, even if, at some point, we're obliged to raid the employee pension fund! Is everybody clear on that?"

'We're getting back to first principles...which means we're going to have some.'

If business gets any worse I'll have to start laying off relatives.

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Whoa! Back up a second... 'R & D' stands for 'Research & Development?' We always thought it meant 'Rip-off & Distribute!'"