Ethical Business Gifts

'They're not our 'profits,' Mike. We like to think of them as the organic by-products of non-toxic capitalism!'

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"When faced with a tricky ethical issue, I always ask the question, 'What's in it for me?'"

'Loved your bit on market share, Felton - perfect blend of plausibility and outright deception.'

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

"We'd better watch Cranston. He looks like a whistleblower."

'This is from a post-ethics phase.'

'This is Harris, he's been with the firm some 45 years!'

Water company bonus.

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'The question is - to what level of data do we wish to stoop.'

"At First Infidelity we're all about integrity...."

'Don't laugh Ms. Newborn, but I want you to proof this for 'accuracy'.'

'You've become like a son to me, Alvin. But the company has strict rules against nepotism, so I have to let you go.'

"Hi, Bob - your consultants have just arrived."

'Nothing about the evils of corporate downsizing?'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

"No coal here, either - but you never know until you look."

'Please remember, it's not a lie if it turns a profit.'

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

'Risky, but I like it!'

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"Unlike other companies, we are going to take the high road through this rough time, even if, at some point, we're obliged to raid the employee pension fund! Is everybody clear on that?"

'We're getting back to first principles...which means we're going to have some.'

"Well here's my idea: Why don't we try serving better coffee than them?"

"Whoa! Back up a second... 'R & D' stands for 'Research & Development?' We always thought it meant 'Rip-off & Distribute!'"

'I never wanted the best years of your life Clayton - just a few good days would do.'