Energy Cynic Gifts

'At last! An energy bill we can understand.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"You know who's tougher than all your little superheroes? The fossil fuel industry."

Stock market investment advice

Matryoshka/ Russian Gas Cylinders

"Stocks rose today on news that even higher taxes won't stop the rich from getting richer."

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."

The Fed: Problems and the solution.

Who is stupid enough to buy this crap?

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

'Dad, is it true what they say about lemmings following each other off a cliff?' 'If they work at a company like mine, it is.'

"So leaving it with a broker didn't do any good at all?"

'Is there a HMO bureaucrat in the house, so we can get permission to seek an MD in the house?'

"Before you say no to this prescription, let me also say that your monthly tax-deductible gift will help support a pharmaceutical executive in need."

"Oh you know, insider trading and fudging the number before lunch and then some fraud in the afternoon. How was your day?"

Today's Topic: "Money talks." In my case, very sarcastically.

"I don't care what they say - it isn't the best medicine!"

'Good job on screwing up the economy. Now make global warming worse.'

'I don't revere this guy because he founded the company. He's the one who tried to talk me out of getting into this business in the first place.'

'Notice: results of new studies: most of what was good for you is bad for you - most of what was bad for you is good for you'

"I'm not very good at delivering bad news so you're perfectly fine."