Emotional Financier Gifts

"The price depends on how much guilt you are feeling, sir."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

'My husband is very sensitive. He cries when he sees sunsets, old romantic films, and falling values of his 401(k)'

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"Sorry, stock-market jitters."

"...and those are my deepest, most intimate feelings about our friendship."

The Book Lover

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

Chicken soup books

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

Personal Relationship Counsellor

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

"Enough already! You’re depressing me!"

"Before we discuss your loan, Mr Carlson, perhaps you'd like to spend a few moments with out bank chaplain."

"Safe FDIC insured, guaranteed 2.65% APY...check out our new Emotional Support CDs."

"With the redundancy and the divorce I'm struggling to remain Mr. Happy."

'Dad, are we rich?'

"I've decided to forgo expensive gifts with acts of apathy."

"You're too kneady."

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

'We have an excellent investment counselor and if things don't work out, an equally good investment therapist.'

"So you're an investor who dabbles in art? I happen to be an artist who dabbles in money."

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

Spirit of love

"The crab Florentine is excellent, but the rack of lamb has limited downside risk.''

You're right. It's not fear I smell but angst with a hint of regret.

'I used to equate love with money. Now I equate it with fast-moving growth stocks.'

"We haven't lowered our fees, but we do offer discounted grief counseling."

"Omigod! It's the breakfast I made him for his birthday!"

"I say this as a friend, Tom...we always know when you're bluffing!"

"Which one is the emoji for immense relief, coupled with general underlying disappointment, tinged with cynicism, anger and apprehension?"

'Could I get back to you on that one? My broker says my stock went back up!'