Emergency Recipe Enthusiast T-Shirts

"Larry's made new friends learning to cook. He knows everyone at the Recipe Emergency Hotline."

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

'It's just some Pour 'n' Serve, Stir 'n' Blend, Bake 'n' Slice, Mix 'n' Broil and Chop 'n' Simmer.'

"Was there a photo in the recipe book? I'd love to see what it's meant to look like."

"Let me through – I'm morbidly curious!"

Cook being told what to do by housemaid

'My hero!'

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

'I've heard of cooking the books... but how did you rotisserie them and why?'

It's a Gordon Ramsay recipe, so if you don't ****** like it you can ******* off.

One reason secret family recipes are usually best kept secret.

'Aunt Joan and Uncle Wally took Luci to the emergency room.'

'I thought I'd seen everything, and then my wife came up with tofu fajitas.'

In case of emergency...break glass: Crisis Manual.

'I know you're in a hurry, so I ran all the leftovers through the blender.'

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

CIA Cafeteria: 'It's nice of you to ask, but the recipe is classified.'

'Ok. We've tried monkey's paw, eye of newt, bat's blood and raven's claw.'

Emergency Marketer

"Look, darling, I've recorded your favourite meal."

'Well Cookie. . . it looks like some horse droppings, cattle droppings, some tumbleweeds, barbed wire and parts from an old wagon. . . What the heck do you call it??'

"Your pineapple empandas are delicious. Except for one thing."

'A bird's nest. . . hmmm, I wonder what that would taste like in a soup?'

'Sign this non-disclosure agreement ? I'm going to use a secret recipe.'

'What do you mean, send out for pizza? This is pizza!'

'Jeeves, you've made this soup taste like absolute s**t! Well done!'

Snow & Flo series: Questionable cooking.

"Mmmmm, harissa dusted haricot vert. That sounds much more interesting than green beans with pepper powder."

Ghak Eisenthal invented the chicken fricassee.

Health care success #3

Antony Worrall Thompson

"I auditioned for a part in a veggie medley, and I've got a really good feeling about it."

"It says the box contains all the ingredients needed for a delicious chicken dinner."

'You mean we've all forgotten the formula for the secret liqueur?'

'You dope. You bought Hamburger Helper, but this is lamb.'