Low-risk Recipe Enthusiast T-Shirts

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

'I ran out of sugar, so I used salt.'

Before/After

'As a surprise I thought I'd give the new cookbook a try tonight.'

"Was there a photo in the recipe book? I'd love to see what it's meant to look like."

...If sauce has not begun to thicken after 10 minutes, pour contents back into can and wait for your wife to get home.

"We didn't have any whipped cream, so I used foaming hand soap."

Cooking with Wine: "Oops! Almost split some in the food."

'Are you sure the recipe calls for a whole cup of good burgundy?'

But I followed the recipe exactly.

"Everything I needed to know I learned from my mother - but I usually follow up with a YouTube video for verification purposes."

'I've heard of cooking the books... but how did you rotisserie them and why?'

One reason secret family recipes are usually best kept secret.

"I dreamed that butter and sugar and eggs came back, and we all made cookies."

"The recipe? Well, there's lentils, garlic, tofu, and a pinch of our illegal secret ingredient."

'I told you rosemary and sage, but don't add the garlic until the last half hour.'

Come on, honey. The neighborhood potlucks are fun. Fun?! Everyone brings something simple. Totally stress-free. Ha! Last year you made lemon-stuffed slow roasted sea bass with guacamole cilantro chutney. I won't do that again! Guacamole is over. Avocado grapefruit coulis will work.

"The manna tastes okay, but I'd feel better if I had a list of ingredients."

Endangered Entrees

'Then I add the juice of one bottle of brandy.'

"My husband and I have decided to share each other's interests. He's at home burning the dinner."

'This Marine Cooking School taught me a great recipe, Mom... you take one-hundred pounds of potatoes...'

"Cheese fondue has gone wherever crepes Suzette and tuna Mornay went."

'Thanksgiving dinner will be ready some time in February.'

'I vote we throw caution to the wind.'

CIA Cafeteria: 'It's nice of you to ask, but the recipe is classified.'

'I'm short of ingredients. What's a good substitute for filet mignon?'

"It's an old family recipe - some flour and water, yeast, a little salt, mono calcium phosphate, polysorbate 60, calcium propionate..."

'I thought I'd try making marmalade. Do we have any marmals?'

'Ok. We've tried monkey's paw, eye of newt, bat's blood and raven's claw.'

"This recipe turned out awful despite me substituting every major ingredient."

'Caution: raw eggs!'

"Sorry about that. Lenny accidentally used jumping beans."

"You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, but you can make a killer Bolognese sauce."

'How much for the recipe?'