Embarrassing Story Collector Pillows

'The danger of similar packaging.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

Ghost puddle

'That's my weird Uncle Benny. He claims that he was abducted by aliens in white lab coats.'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'He's a blight on the whole neighbourhood.'

"It's not what you think."

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

Who's Dead

"I've been window-shopping..."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

'I've been knocking for ages!'

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

'-but the fire's on the GROUND floor!'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

A frog catches an insect truck.

"There, there, dear. It's perfectly normal for a new bride on her wedding night to shit like a goose on her husband."

I told you I lost it in the sun.

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

"We never have any activities that make for cute anecdotes anymore."

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

Updated Fables. The Ant And The Grasshopper … And The Mosquito. IRS.

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

'Yes, he did turn into a price, but there were complications.'

'I've known you a long time and it's time I told you the truth, I'm not really a person, I'm just a suit full of chickens..'

'It was owned by a little ol' lady who didn't drive it. She used a motor scooter on Saturdays.'

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

'This is for a different book.'

Football Manager's Parrot

'This one belonged to a little old lady with weak eyes.'