Email Survivor Gifts

"They say you should beware of attachments."

'It's an out of hours memo from my office manager.'

"My email is down... talk to me."

Out and In.

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"I find it so stimulating to learn new software."

'I bought him to retrieve my e-mails.'

"I can hardly wait...TWO WHOLE weeks without having to deal with mindless e-mails, incessant interruptions, boring meetings...."

Spam in Hell.

"It probably got lost in the voice mail."

"Is there an option to make my out-of-office message permanent?"

"I didn't say my prayers, but I e-mailed God earlier."

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

'Our most successful e-mail campaign was an offer to take customers off our e-mail list.'

"I thought that modern communications systems were meant to be more efficient...That they would cut down on waste and duplication."

Executive Asks Death To Wait

'The worst thing is not having access to your e-mail.'

So, if you don't get this mail because I wrote the wrong address again, please reply to me a.s.a.p. Best, Bob

"You should be able to get through your emails during the working day then you could use the rest of your life to do some of the work."

"....and then it turned out that the e-mail I ignored that I got from the Nigerian bank offering me £200 million was REAL!"

"My Gmail account is full. I can't get any more email." "So?" "I'll miss email. It was so old-timey. You could write hundreds or even thousands of words, with actual paragraphs." "People didn't see any little animations to show them you were typing. They had to actually wonder if you were going to reply." "And the spam was fun. You never got to hear from Nigerian princes while you're checking your texts." "Just delete stuff." "If you delete a few gigs of old emails, you'll be able to get n

"Slowly begin to reawaken the body with thoughts of unread E-mails, piles of dirty laundry, and the kids you have to pick up from school."

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

'And in conclusion.'

E-waste - 'Well there's another hour gone on email.'

"Oh, and add a couple of intentional typos to my weekly email update...I want to appear warm and authentic!!"

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"I'm so overloaded with emails, just one monitor wasn't enough to handle them all."

'Im so overloaded with emails, just one monitor wasn't enough to handle them all.'

'And now I'd like to name this month's recipient of the Dumbest Global E-mail Award...'

'Everyone's in a rush these days!'

That's not the reaction I was going for. Let me try to put a different spin on it.

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

The Horn of Unanswered Email