Email Humorists Pillows

Receiving the early-morning T-mail.

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

"Did you get my tweet?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

"She looks just like in your photos."

Chasebook

'Oh no! Is this a blogger I saw before me?'

"You looked a lot bigger on your dating profile."

Twitter that!

Advertising on the internet.

"My scoop-back tank comes in Mango, Morning Glory, and Scallion. Don's Maori surfers are available in Iris, Mustard, and Prawn."

"If he has more than 20 followers on Twitter we call him a 'celebrity'."

My Spam Sketchbook

Facebook For Dogs.

"Can you take a video of me attacking the garbage so I can post it on Instagram?"

"Google gets thousands of requests each day to erase links. Most of them seem to go back to my website."

"There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Lol. Winky face."

"I have to give you credit. You're a pit bull and you're nice on and offline."

"The internet without cat pictures? No way! Make a realistic wish like peace on earth, justice for all, everlasting life, sane politicians..."

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'

I've founded my own religion. Of course you have, Rudy. It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths. If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted. What are the central tenets of your religion? A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation.

"Just right click, save as, and now you own the complete works of William Shakespeare."

"Great, the end of the world and I'm going to be first on facebook with pictures!!"

"It's great the way that computer algorithms allow the internet to feed me with opinions that reinforce the ones I've already got - all on my phone!"

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

Catroom.

Multiple personalities with blogs.

"This hilarious prank of yours is gonna go viral. This is a prank isn't it, Phil?"

You've got snail.

"I sell them for Website names."

"Do NOT refresh this page."