Electronica Devotee Gifts

'I know you're a tech freak, Norm. The computer cell, and beeper, I understand...but a home ATM is over the top!'

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

'Good news. We're not Daft Punk.'

Music for car stereos

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"

Energy trap.

'I've still got nothing. I'm going to call an electrician.'

"Sorry Mr. Gross, Mr. DeVries, but the firm has decided to go with the earthy, down-home fingerpicking of Ms. Aimee Parker-Grossman."

Ohm. He has a degree in electrical engineering!

Wow! I've met some famous scientists up here! Yesterday I met Thomas Edison -- it was very illuminating! And today I met Professor Pavlov! You know who was, don't you? I'm not sure -- but the name sure rings a bell!

'Truly,he's a great conductor.'

Like, Real Gone...

"I will place this broken phone charger in the 'man' drawer. Where in six months time, it will magically fix itself."

'See, I told you this electric fence would come in handy.'

Finally, Peter found somebody he could really connect with.

"You've got to compress it because my email account is limited to 3MB."

'And this video is so simple your little son will be able to show you how to work it!'

Lady Gaga.

"You fix it by buying a new one."

Monk Synth Bell Ringers

'Mary finally solved the blinking clock problem by putting black tape over it.'

To continue with tech support, you must be in front of your computer and have a soldering iron, a voltmeter and a circuit tester available.

House trained cat

'This 3D TV you sold me doesn't work.'

Dog using MP3 player scowls at dog that's still listening to gramophone player, saying: 'Luddite!'

We're going to eat your iPhone. It's got nutrients! Back off. You won't touch her! Cannibals. Picture the precious little thing, buttered and salted, grilled to perfection on a spit. Delirium or something more profound? Your laptop for an appetizer! It's got feelings!

When you die, where would you like me to spread you remote's ashes?

"Didn't make it home from the Eurovision party again this year, then...?"

Back to School Specials!

'Huck me.'

Are you saying I have no control over when I upgrade my devices? In effect. You've got some kind of subconscious internal clock that drives you to regularly buy a new phone, or TV, or video game console. And there's nothing I can do about it? So it would seem. How freeing. Does this revelation come with a new credit line? Go away.

Novelties. Look! I got a rubber singing fish! Neat! An I-Cod! (Published originally May 28, 2007.)

"These remote controls are getting out of hand..."

'There's the Swiss busker across the road.' (Alpine horn)

"The manufacturer's suggested list price on this is sixty-seven thousand dollars, but, because of our low overhead, I can let you have it for thirty-nine ninety-five."