Efficiency Expert Impersonator Pillows

'Here is my proposal for making our department more productive. The proposal contains my best cognitive distortions.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"If you ask me, wearing these things only makes them nervous."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

Motivation to work

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

"This works, so why do we need to spend all that energy building a nest?"

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"And with the optional remote you make all these little lights go off and on really quickly." You can have an IT system with all the latest bells and whistles...or you could have one that WORKS

'The massive arrests have made the plans for downsizing much easier.'

Desk Boxes: 'In', 'Out', 'Could Go Either Way'.

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

Cat shoes: For those who are too busy to do their own walking.

'We've cut and pasted your list into 84 arbitrary sub-lists. Well, our work here is done.'

...The computer says you can handle 20 more work

The paperless office sign covered in post-it notes

"So, you want me to go all the way back to the kitchen just to get you a menu...? Couldn't I just give you a link to our, online menu?!"

It come's to my attention that you have been doing the work of two men.

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

"Elfis"

"We only got up to three 'whys' and a 'what the hell'."

'It says it works so fast, it's accumulated seven thousand years of vacation with pay.'

'Well I've finished the project on time and on budget!' 'Oh, that means I've given you too much time and too much money!'

'I'm sorry you had to wait. My Time Management Workshop started late.'

Peacock of Productivity

'Working on my computer save me loads of spare time. To do more stuff on my computer.'

'Not only will it do the work of ten people, it will scare 40% more work out of the rest of the employees.'

"I'm Kurt... this brochure will explain the rest."

"Hey, Dunleavy! I hear the boss is clearing out more dead wood today! Maybe you should've just stayed home and called in stick! Get it? Called in stick?"

'Miss Pringle, I run a tight ship! What is this piece of paper doing on my desk?'