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'For the last time, Kevin, the footbone does not connect to the buttbone!'

"This afternoon, we'll be turning our attention to Guess jeans."

A Puppet Named Juan

"I know it may be wrong, but it's how I feel."

'Do years 4, 5 and 6 cover the other foot?'

Master's Degrees of the Universe

Footballer and Bacteria.

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'Ms. Shelby, I think you're spinning out of control.'

String Theory for Beginners.

"I've got the ninth grade chemistry class this term."

Where the hell did you get that brain ?

Monkey Business College

"And then after high school, I spent twelve years in college and majored in procrastination."

"It's a clear case of RLS: Repetitive Lecture Syndrome."

'In that case we will ALL wait for the results of the lab assistant's DNA test on the chalk.'

"Welcome to Truancy Prevention 101."

'I finally understood 'negative numbers' when the teacher said they're just like the US budget deficit.'

Old McDonald, first grader, fails English.

'It's not a designer pin. It's actually a medal the Principal gave me for backing up my hard drive.'

'We think Rome was built at night sir, because last week you told us that Rome wasn't built in a day!'

"You can't be needing another break - the kids have only been back a week!"

Welcome to the lower grade concert. We will premiere an avant garde song cycle with unexpected solos, parts of melodies that may seem vaguely familiar and musicians who leave the stage for no apparent reason. Enjoy!

Dr. Roy G. Biv, Rainbowologist.

'Of students surveyed, 64% prefer English and 32% prefer math. The fact that these numbers do no add up to 100 may help explain why.'

'Your evaluation is based on what you do in the next 30 seconds. Go!'

'Dad...why would I ever want to get out of the first grade? I love first grade!'

Back to School.

"Hitler's first name? I think it was 'Heil' Miss."

Mom and child visit principal who has a sign on the door - Nap Time.

"The four seasons? Easy. Pepper, Salt, Mustard and Vinegar!"

"Listen Smith, I don't care if the older boys are picking on you or not, you have to come into school - you're the deputy head for goodness sake!"

"My report is on the three branches of government - checks, balances, and subpoenas."