Dysfunction Enthusiast Pillows

'Kemper, you're absolutely dysfunctional. Have you ever considered running for public office?'

"Consensus on a Friday afternoon... what a lovely way to begin the weekend!"

"He's sulking because I always beat him at Clue ... "

'We want more police on our streets!' 'WHAT?! Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out there?'

"We remain reasonably confident that once we nail down the little network problem we're having, all Hell will be able to break loose according to the modified schedule, which, unfortunately, is in a file we can't seem to locate right now."

"Instead of a bedtime story, how about strapping a bottle rocket to your doll and setting it off in your little brother’s room?" "Brad was a terrible father."

Swiss Army Stove.

'It's too wet for walkies and I can't find my boots!'

Bureau of Missing Persons

'You feel awkward? You're the one who said we ought to hunt bare.'

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

Directions.

"Watch him. His body says Monday but his face says Friday."

'Next time, spring for a little more, and get a GOOD GPS'

Giant 'NO' with a small man holding a 'Yes',

'I'm too busy installing updates to figure out any practical application for them.'

Lost dog/Lost Sheep posters

"Hi Honey, I'm Holmes"

"Rayna's been kidnapped! And its all my fault!"

'Every time we have an argument you've gotta drag the boss into it!'

"Hi, this is Bill Gates. Time to buy some new software."

'The school counselor says I have well-developed motor skills. Will you bring me a car?'

"It's that time of year when guys randomly explode."

"Who is it - some tramp from a lower court? You only buy me flowers when you feel guilty for seeing another judge."

You guys are losers! You sleep through the entire winter. You don't see a snowfall, experience the holiday season, or get to watch the Super Bowl! Don't listen to him. He envies us because people travel hundreds of miles to see the spectacular colorful show we put on every fall. He's just a jealous coniferous tree. All he can do is try to needle us!

'Mom, Dad. . . remember that day you sent me to law school and I got lost?'

"I told him to trim a couple of inches off the middle and he thought it was a fat remark."

Dynamic decision makers - Will probably be back in an hour or so.

'A simple bottle would have sufficed for your specimen, Mr Thomas.'

"You've got to hand it to Johnson...if anyone has undeclared assets he's the man to find them!"

'See! I told you my dad is a boxer!'

'The collar is imported from China. For some reason it converts to a wok.'

Ingenuity

"I can't find my stupid phone, so leave a message..."

'The dog wants to go out, Dear.'