Dynamic Duo Enthusiast Gifts

'How come when I like the wife, you don't like the husband? . . . Sigh. We'll never have friends.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

Lady asking her fiance's son if she can be his new mother.

"Ultimately, we realized we share too many app subscriptions not to make it work."

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

"I'm so sorry that I screamed...I had a terrible dream: the kids had to leave college and live with us again...Oh, Ed, it was horrible!"

"I thought you'd take up something like gardening in your retirement, not parkour."

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

"Jeremy and I are so in sync, we finish each other's tweets."

"Encouraging dissent is a good way of finding out who the traitors are."

'Just wait till it's my turn to make long-term care decisions for you!'

Home Business - Printer Ink.

'You don't need separate bedrooms. You need separate computers.'

"Of course, you've always set a good example for me ... that's why you embarrass me so much."

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. Amanda Kern. Comics Counseling. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

How about swapping wives for the day?

'Are you still mad at me for calling you a creep in my letter to 'Dear Abby'?'

Bartlett's Expanded Quotations

"I'm Roberto, and I'll be your waiter this evening. This is Carl. He's in charge of portion control."

"Go ask your mother."

'Ask your other father.'

Sex Equality

'We're a team - he walks the walk, and I talk the talk!'

"Holiday time around our house is a nightmare."

'You click on it and it sends you to 'Ask Your Father do com'.'

'I've always thought they were up to something whenever we're gone'

No matter how many times I put them back in their own beds, they end up in mine.

'I'm a mover and my wife is a shaker -- it works out.'

"It's a new signal to specify that we don't need Robin."

Dynamic decision makers - Will probably be back in an hour or so.