Drugstore Alternativist Pillows

'St John's wort ambulance' - hippy ambulance.

'Hmphh. Happy as clams, indeed. They're just all on Prozac.'

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

Jesus's First and Less-Heralded Miracle Walk,

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

Buy on-line - Fill in form, Fill in form again, And again, Lose form, Fill-in form a few more times, Give up and go to shop...

"I forget. If I have an adverse reaction, do I call my doctor or my lawyer?"

"Sometimes I wonder about what our patients have to take."

'Take two of these, and call me in the morning!'

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

Side Effects

Placebonex: 'Make sure to take it every day, otherwise the effect wears off.'

"I'm putting you on a stronger placebo."

'I've got an appointment with Mr. Payne.' - 'He'll see you now.' - 'Okay, take a deep br-' - 'Gah!' - 'Great, now turn ov-' - 'Argh!' - 'And a final tw-' - 'Mummy!' - '*Sob*' - 'Okay, all done.' - 'Did you, by any chance...' - '...hear you crying...'

'Have you got anything for late onset whimsy?'

"Lately my joints are stiff." "You're rollin' 'em too tight. Try vaping."

Man passes Holistic Health Clinic and sees Holistic Donuts.

"I thought you said you were dating a rich doctor!"

"I might suggest Ritalin."

'As I said, the medication won't cure you, but it will make you more comfortable for the duration.'

The over-the-counter versions

Acupressure Gauge

"If you ask me, your Christmas gift return policy is too liberal."

"Look at this: Acupuncture, aromatherapy, herbal tea. We could be dealing with a homoeopathic killer."

'I was hoping you could fix it with homeopathy.'

"This drug has such pleasant side effects I consider them value-added."

'Oh my god!'

"I know you're just trying to be helpful, but why don't you let me decide where my acupuncture needles should go?"

Fencing Acupuncture.

Irregular Fruits and Veggies: "It's our inner beauty that counts..."

Are you sure you're the 'Locum Doctor?'?