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'May I remind you Jeremy that you're auditioning for the role of a munchkin.'

'I'm word perfect on every line, but can't for the life me remember in what order the lines come...'

Les Miserables: 'Oh, for mercy's sake - lighten up!'

'I wish they wouldn't insist on using the abridged text.'

It looked like being a particularly messy divorce

We were so close to the stage we could see the actors spit.

'To be or not to be - well yes, but what about coma, trance, vegetative states, reincarnation, near death experience, cryogenics?'

The momentus interview

"Et tu Brute."

'So, Herr Goethe, perhaps now we can discuss terms?'

'And another thing, why can't you get GPs to do house calls any more?'

"Nigel takes criticism from customers really seriously!"

Tony Weller ejects Mr. Stiggins

The consultation

BBC Creative Dept.

Waiter: 'I'm not really a waiter, I'm an actor. I'll act like I'm waiting on you.'

The clown loses it at the circus and takes the 'fat lady' hostage with a cream pie 'I'm not clowning this time, back-off or the fat-lady gets it!'

'I just want to be entertained.'

'There are two men and a dog out there, and the dog is asleep.'

'...It's what you know about who.'

"Just because my wife owns 25 wigs you accuse me of serial bigamy???"

School Pantomime Rehearsals.

'Your wife's under the table.' 'No, she's walking through the door.'

Bertolt Brecht.

'She sounds like your mother when you told her that you were going to marry me.'

'I wouldn't be telling you all this, if I thought it would bother you.'

I'll start off pleading not guilty and see how it goes.

RADA toilets - gents - agents.

Hiss and tell.

'... Yes, we do sometimes represent clients on a 'no win, no fee basis'. But as you're charged with double murder...'

'I'm Hamlet's father, come back to claim my place in the history of English Literature.'

Mercury Theatre: Lost and Found

A man wearing a ruff and a feather cap

"Needless to say, my goal is to get you all to come out of your shells."

"I wouldn't dream of teaching Hamlet without a safety net."