Domestic Diplomacy Gifts

"If I'd wanted undercooked pig swill I would have stayed home and let my wife do the cooking!"

"The kids love it, and it's saved my marriage."

"This happens everytime someone asks to speak to the head of the household."

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

Incompatible.

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

'Dear, you know how I hate it when you bring your work home.'

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

'We're having an argument. Do you know any battle marches?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"I'm bilingual. I can talk to parents and step parents."

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

"I cede the remainder of my time to the ranking member."

"I am not ‘politicizing the issue’ — I simply asked you to pick up your room!"

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Mom, this is Sarah, the friend I was telling you about."

'I know that other kids manage on ?5 pocket money - but their parents don't charge them to watch any television programme their parents don't happen to approve off!'

"You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. It's written all over your face."

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

What really happened on the EVER GIVEN

'It wasn't premeditated.

'Your three o'clock cancelled, we're still awaiting the Parson verdict, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'It's OK to take your work home with you. It's not OK to bring your home to work with you.'

"She leaves wooden-handled knives soaking in the dishwater all night long. Your Honor."

"The defense rests."

"I'm not just cleaning up - it's part of a conversation I'm having with Mum."

"Walking down here and asking if I can get you some more detergent from the store is just the beginning of my fence-mending agenda."

"Why don't we compromise... you admit I'm right and I'll agree with you."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"What's wrong?"

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'