Domestic Decorator Gifts

'It's my climbing the walls installation!'

'I can use surgery to restore your sex drive. Do you want the £3000 operation or the £4000 one?' - 'I'd rather have a new kitchen.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Make sure you pretend to water it.'

'You say 'dead.' I say 'low maintenance.''

Painting by the numbers for adults

"This is going to make the most amazing driftwood table."

"All in favor of destroying the throw pillow, raise your paw."

Adhesive Tiles: Do Not Open from this End.

Painting the Ceiling

Use your imagination.

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

'Come on, you can help me to choose some lovely wallpaper.'

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."

"We're looking for something for our panic room."

"Ikea for hippies" 1. Flimsig used pallets, old foam 2. Stinkum goat wool 3. Beetup recycled lumber 4. Riskig kerosene lamp 5. Stupor hand blown by Nils 6. Smokum found on beach in Mendocino 7. Woblig 100% driftwood

"You're welcome."

"Too bright."

'I had no idea Ikea had been around so long.'

"Maybe he's so sad that he's leaving us to go to college that he actually looks happy. Please don't ruin it for me with reality."

"Could we be getting a little too museum-quality?"

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

'We want it painted the colour of money!'

'This plant which you brought to me from your office snubs all my other plants.'

"I don't think our smart home likes the color we painted it. It keeps spitting it out."

School Career Choices: Celebrity chef, celebrity gardener,celebrity plumber, celebrity vet, celebrity painter & decorator. . .

Unfinished Funiture Store.

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'