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'Woof, woof, woof - but I'm paraphrasing.'

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

"When I first arrived, Young Master was always with me and Old Master didn't want anything to do with me, nor it's the opposite: Go figure..."

"Ever feel like even when you're barking at something you're still barking at nothing?"

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

"My master's vowel hyperarticulation is wearing a bit thin..."

"Ever eat a bird?"

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

"Then he suggested we go to a leash optional beach."

"Another slander suit!"

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

"Give it up—Frisbee is your game."

"I'm not a mad dog. But I'm not particularly happy either."

"I just don't get it, they don't do it themselves, so why do they insist on us sitting before crossing the road?"

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

If dogs were psychiatrists.

Dog and man on couch

"Really? Everyone we hang out with we also met through our puppies."

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

"The way I see it, microchipping is an invasion of our privacy!"

"I can remember when he used to try to tell us things."

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

'Enough of my tapeworm - tell me about your fleas.'

"What happened to what cat?"

'I like this shampoo. It says here: 'Not tested on animals'!'

"I started out eating homework. Now I shred documents."

'Let me put this in dog terms: Woof! Woof! Bark! Bark! Bow-wow-wow!'

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

'I've been fixed even though there wasn't anything wrong with me.'

"Say something like 'Bow-wow' or 'Arf-arf' and you'll really break them up."

Dog-English dictionary.

"No, I've never liked chasing sticks. I though you enjoyed throwing them."

'I must admit that I've come a long way since I first heard the word speak!...'