Dog Racing Cynic Gifts

'Again with the chasing? This is like some kind of bad dream.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Drug Testing Unit: 'Uh Oh!'

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

-Psst! Back me in the 4:30! -Oh! -Surprised I can talk, huh? -No, surprised you think you can win!

Suggestions Get Shredded.

We're barely gonna make it!

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

'I hear the meeting was cancelled last Saturday.' - 'Yeah. Someone drugged the hare.'

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

'There are five of ua, a high wall with razor wire: It must be something really valuable or secret we're guarding...'

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

'Team spirit, my ass.'

Suddenly Harry regrets ever using anything other than dog treats to motivate his team.

'Dad, is it true what they say about lemmings following each other off a cliff?' 'If they work at a company like mine, it is.'

Easter Bunny in a Greyhound Race

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

"Sir, your trust me sign is crooked."

The Three Branches of Government

There's nothing like the real thing!

Vote. You gave him a campaign contribution? Yes -- I think of it as investing in pork futures.

Finish. What do you mean YOU won the Iditarod?!

Why Physics and Politics Don't Mix