Dog Kisser Pillows

"If he wants to kiss dogs, let him kiss dogs."

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Bitchbark Canoe

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'Personally, I don't like to play Fetch, but it makes him happy.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'So far, I've taught him to fetch.'

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Pick me!"

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

'With 73 dog obedience books read between us, I think we must consider defeat.'

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

"No no, I said sit!!"

'So what's it like riding in first class?'

"He was overly socialized as a puppy."

'I see! And, just how much will it cost if she is in season?'

"I want him to have the serenity to accept the things he can't pee on, the patience to pee on the things he can outside, and the wisdom to know the difference." "But I'll probably just take him to a trainer."

Licensed Therapist

'When he's happy he can cool the entire downstairs.'

"They think we're their best friend. Just play along with it."

"Either that's Marmaduke with a lizard's head in front of us, or I really mixed up my meds."

Barks in code.

Cats may love you, but dogs go all the way.

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

"Why, you little Shih Tzu."

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

'Hey Harry, you know you've been walking around with a biscuit on your nose for the last two hours?'

'Bert's dog training.'

Raw food, after you leave for work.