Document Humorist Gifts

'Here's your license!'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Right here's fine."

"The Eggsorcist"

The discovery of asparagus.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

The Fall of Gnome

'We need to have a shake-up!'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."