Document Humorist Gifts

'Here's your license!'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Gee, thanks pal."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

It isn't widely known that Michelangelo was the first in a long line of cartoonists to buck the family tradition.

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"The Eggsorcist"

"Right here's fine."

What's an Imax cave?

The discovery of asparagus.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Why did we run out of wine?! I'll tell you why...Mary's son brought 12 of his friends who crashed the wedding party! That's why!"

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

The Fall of Gnome

This side is the gag reel.

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

'We need to have a shake-up!'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"When I said make it RIGHT, I meant correctly."