Doctor's Office Phobic Pillows

'The doctor's office said you cancelled your appointment and put a restraining order on the rest of them.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I'll be a bit late... sorry."

Telephone message - 'This is a recording. If you'd like to speak to a real live human being, forgetaboutit.

Healthy Patients Only

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Its your archeries'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'It's great for reducing White Coat Hypertension.'

'House calls?...Dr. Latrobe doesn't even make phone calls!'

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

"This ‘no BlackBerrys in the conference room’ rule is killing me."

"Is this your first time seeing a specialist?"

Houdini 2019

'Perhaps we should start off with an underwear transplant.'

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

Receptionist to patients in waiting room: 'The doctor will be with you tomorrow as he believes that time heals all wounds.'

'He can't refer you to me... I referred you to him.'

Outingpatient

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'

'That Doctor has a lot of nerve...I've waited six weeks for this appointment and he says, 'you're lucky we caught it in time'.'

'It started with a headache, but not I've got a bedsore from sitting so long in this waiting room!'

'You're still holding for Mr Stein? Press one for 'anger management'.'

'I advise you to change doctors.'

"If you don't mind, I'm trying a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

"His lordship is unable to answer the phone as he doesn't like to speak with his mouth full..."

'The doctor will be a little late...why don't you discuss each others ailments until he gets here!'

'I want to change to another doctor, because I've read all of the magazines in your waiting room.'

"I really like Dr. Jenkins, but he sure doesn't update his magazines very often."