Doctor's Day Off Pillows

"[...] That one looks like a grade four glioblastoma multiforme!" "Brain surgeons looking at clouds"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

Medical personnel give their hearts

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I remember when we first met you were an exhausted young doctor! Now you're an exhausted middle-aged doctor!"

'Just follow these simple instructions.'

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

'My medical school believed laughter is the best medicine.

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"He's on screen saver. Just tap him."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'We're going to need to find a scapegoat.'

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

"Sometimes I wonder why I spent ten years at medical school and another 20 honing my skills..."

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

First, do no harm. - Physician's oath. First, do no harm to each other. - Patient's oath. That second one is going to be tricky someday, Hippocrates.

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

'I need to borrow your Ph.D. for a half hour tomorrow. I have a major problem to solve.'

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

'It's a new technique for training interns: suture by numbers,'

Nurse pushing the Grim Reaper out of the Surgery room.

"I won't be in today. I've decided to live off the land."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

My diagnosis? Restless tongue syndrome.