Doctor-patient Banter Pillows

I'm suffering from kleptomania, Doctor. Can I take your temperature?...

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

'Where does it hurt?'

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

The New Age Dentist.

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

What goes up must come down, except for your cholesterol, apparently.

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

Oh, good - Looks like the doctor's in.

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

"You can't check my pulse while I'm checking your pulse!"

IV Bags: Main and Afters

'I had a stomach ache, so I took bicarb of soda and went to bed early. Did I do the right thing?'

Outingpatient

"So, we are all agreed, gentlemen. There shouldn't be that many of those, and that's a funny colour."

"He's losing his will to pay!"

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'

'Actually I was rather looking forward to a BLANKET bath!'

"Sorry, I had the hiccups."

"How do I get Nurse Jenkins to stop saying 'I told you so'?"

'Pick something you can tolerate from this list of side effects and I'll prescribe something appropriate.'

'I never make the same mistake twice!'

"Health insurance? Waking up breathing each morning is my health insurance!"

A nurse Reports A Patient's Condition To The Doctor.

"Does your tooth still hurt?"

'Is there ANY good news, Doctor?' 'Well, you don't need to worry about scraping by on a pension.'

"Donald is an appendicitis survivor, too."

"And if you'll kindly relax your spinchter I'll be happy to write a prescription for that inflamed prostate."

"… All the lab work confirms it — I’m sorry, Mr. Franklin … You’re old."

'How long has it been since you gave up smoking?'

'It's a nasty little rash, nothing to worry about!'

'You can discuss sexual failure with me Mr Harmsworth, I'm trained not to laugh.'

"There's very little of this going around? Is that supposed to make me feel better?"