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"This is getting ugly, she's demanding a return of the kidney she donated to you back in '88."

"I have been happily married... three times!"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"My wife's lawyer doesn't understand me."

"Can you recommend something for the attorney who got me everything?"

'Your therapy helped me leave Frank. Franks wants to thank you personally.'

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"Looks like the Huffman divorce is in previews."

"An 'Irish divorce' doesn't have quite the same ring to it as a 'Mexican divorce'."

'You were right - the honeymoon is a bad time to get to know a gal!'

"...your ex-wife also mentions a gold filling."

THE EX-FILES, 'It's about people who have trouble with their former spouses.'

'I'm sorry you were found guilty.'

'I got custody of the kids.'

"Good memoir, but we're looking for something more candid. Like not-being-invited-home-ever-again-for-Thanksgiving candid."

For 364 days of the year Santa was a very successsful divorce lawyer.

"In order to separate, one of us has to move out."

'I'm divorcing you...and I want custody of the squids.'

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

"Alimony is like paying off a car after you've crashed it."

"It was ugly, she got custody of the tin cans, chewed tyre and the rusty bike pump... And I got the kids!"

"Mommy divorced Daddy because Daddy was noncompliant."

'Currently, my assets are diversified. They're split up among my 4 ex-wives.'

'Well, I think that's a fair split. I get the house, and you get the mortgage repayments.'

"I wish you'd be more supportive of my efforts to divorce you."

"We're separated."

In the old room

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

'My marriage is over. I gave that jerk the best hours of my life!'

"It was a REALLY tough divorce. . . she got the hair!"

"...and to my ex-wife, who hates my guts, I leave the contents of my colon..."

"This is my new divorce lawyer."

'Next item: who gets custody of the dog?'

'I'm a divorce lawyer. That helps a lot because as a sideline, I'm writing love poems.'