Dividend Funds Gifts

'Psst. . . tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'

Cat and dog at a will reading.

'Time to buy.'

Looks like another profit's warning

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

The Contrarian funds

'I'm sorry, Collin, but our Dreyfus Mid-Cap fund completely tanked, so we're going to have to let you go.'

'Would you like your dividend in pennies, nickels or bitcoin?'

"We're a hedge fund, Mr Marney, so I'm putting your allocation at 30% stocks, 30% bonds, and 40% bushes."

Mismanagement Consultant.

Stockbroker to client: 'Here's a fund that's plummeting far slower than most.'

Law Offices. Ernie's client left his fortune to his dog, and his cat is contesting the will.

'Well, call it 'diet stocks'. Your bank account won't get fat because of the dividend income.'

'Ms. Booth, your portfolio is full of sound and fury signifying zero returns.'

'-and now a prayer for the roof fund...'

'You're doing a little better since we deworsified your portfolio.'

'Just remember, Eddie, I've always viewed a big dividend as manna from heaven.'

"It wasn't until I discovered how much the upper one per cent were losing on dividends that I became a truly compassionate conservative."

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

"We got a problem, Mrs. Claus got the sleigh in the divorce."

"All I know is, I named my pet porcupine Bill Ackman, and he immediately lost a hundred points."

"What's the current dividend yield of IBM?..."

'Psst... Tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'

"Well, at least it is a dividend stock."

'. . .and may the dividends tomorrow be good . . .'

Take Your Social Security Early.

"Going green now means environmentally correct, but in the old days it meant buying stocks with big dividends."

"Your 'Luddite Fund' is up 20% this year, but its Yelp reviews are very negative."

'Yeah, I use ATMs all the time, but I refer to them as 'Mom' and 'Dad'.'

"I left my boring dividends to fool around with capital appreciation."

"Sure, it's all inherited wealth, but if you knew my parents, you'd say I earned every penny."

I love all the Mid Cap Funds you've selected except this one...the Dunce Cap Fund.

Space Junk Bonds

"Harold's a bit of a nerd, and he's socially awkward, but he's got that certain something. . . a huge trust fund!"

'I do have a trust, you wanna see it?'