Dividend Funds Gifts

'Psst. . . tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'

Cat and dog at a will reading.

'Time to buy.'

Looks like another profit's warning

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

The Contrarian funds

'Would you like your dividend in pennies, nickels or bitcoin?'

"We're a hedge fund, Mr Marney, so I'm putting your allocation at 30% stocks, 30% bonds, and 40% bushes."

Mismanagement Consultant.

Stockbroker to client: 'Here's a fund that's plummeting far slower than most.'

'Well, call it 'diet stocks'. Your bank account won't get fat because of the dividend income.'

'Ms. Booth, your portfolio is full of sound and fury signifying zero returns.'

'-and now a prayer for the roof fund...'

'You're doing a little better since we deworsified your portfolio.'

'Just remember, Eddie, I've always viewed a big dividend as manna from heaven.'

"It wasn't until I discovered how much the upper one per cent were losing on dividends that I became a truly compassionate conservative."

"We got a problem, Mrs. Claus got the sleigh in the divorce."

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

'Psst... Tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'

"Well, at least it is a dividend stock."

'. . .and may the dividends tomorrow be good . . .'

Take Your Social Security Early.

"Going green now means environmentally correct, but in the old days it meant buying stocks with big dividends."

'Yeah, I use ATMs all the time, but I refer to them as 'Mom' and 'Dad'.'

"Your 'Luddite Fund' is up 20% this year, but its Yelp reviews are very negative."

"I left my boring dividends to fool around with capital appreciation."

"Sure, it's all inherited wealth, but if you knew my parents, you'd say I earned every penny."

"Harold's a bit of a nerd, and he's socially awkward, but he's got that certain something. . . a huge trust fund!"

'I do have a trust, you wanna see it?'

I love all the Mid Cap Funds you've selected except this one...the Dunce Cap Fund.

Space Junk Bonds

'I discovered my marriage was based solely on trust - the $450,000 trust fund my grandparents left me.'