Mutual Funds Gifts

'You're doing a little better since we deworsified your portfolio.'

The Contrarian funds

Stockbroker to client: 'Here's a fund that's plummeting far slower than most.'

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

'Time to buy.'

"Your 'Luddite Fund' is up 20% this year, but its Yelp reviews are very negative."

The day the stock market went UP.

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

Aggressive growth fund loses money shorting gold.

'Forget what?'

'Our fund lost millions, but the good news is our management fees are not based on performance.'

'I'm sorry, Collin, but our Dreyfus Mid-Cap fund completely tanked, so we're going to have to let you go.'

"It drives me MAD when people whine about the amount top management get paid. . ."

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

'I just checked my portfolio and it's worth a small fortune. Unfortunately, I started with a large fortune.'

"I asked you to send me over a prospectus!"

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

'Our customers don't want mutual funds that are an 'eclectic mix'.'

'What did the fund manager say to the investment advisor?'

'Our mutual fund management changed the name of the fund to clearly communicate their investment objectives. The fund is now called 'Make Money Anyway We Can'.'

'Last money market for 8 blocks'

'Harley manages our most aggressive growth fund.'

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

Mismanagement Consultant.

'Psst. . . tell me about your 'obscene dividend' fund.'

"We invested everything we had in our marriage."

Law Offices. Ernie's client left his fortune to his dog, and his cat is contesting the will.

Impressive fund manager.

"Our generous pensions are unsustainable so I'm firing you."

'You won't lose any more money. We're the first fund with a GPS tracking system.'

"That 'basket' of foreign shares you recommended has performed so badly, I've had to sell the basket on Ebay."

Cleaner in front of interview panel - 'So what makes you want to apply for the job of Equity Fund Manager?'

'There is no evidence use of steroids by fund managers will improve profits.'

Acme Financial Management - Risking other people's money since 1927.