Distant Relative Pillows

"Let me remind you, Waterman, you're only a distant relative!"

"Of course, I'm only distantly related."

"It belonged to my great... great creepy Uncle Edgar."

'Sir, a distant relative to see you.'

'He's my wife's second cousin three times removed, but he keeps coming back.'

"This is your great-great-great-great-great uncle Pernico. I heard a lot of stories about him. He really wasn't all that great."

"This is your great second cousin Ignacio 'Nacho' Quesada."

"Do you have a card for the second step mother of my third wife's brother on her cousins side?"

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

Any idea how long your family might be visiting?

If these are your medications, what happened to the beads I bought?

Children's Party

'It states in his will that if he becomes brain dead he wants to go unplugged.'

'If he's only five years old, how come he knows the words to 'See the USA in your Chevrolet'?'

Speed Dating.

'You seem quieter tonight. Did they give you something to help you relax?'

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

'Don't worry about making your will, Miss Moneybags leave everything to me. . .'

'It's good of you to go out of your way to show me what not to do, Mum.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

Stockwell's day

"If you really loved me you wouldn't have called me Euthanasia!"

"Forget the palm dearie...I'll read yer race."

Contest of wills.

'I guess you've noticed that most of these trespasses are reruns.'

'He's not my Daddy: He's my great great grandfather...'

"Oh, you haven’t seen holiday drama ‘till you’ve met our little family."

'I never saw a tracer bullet that I didn't admire for color, clarity and swiftness.'

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

'We can always hope he's a zombie.'

'Hey, Fred! You have a relative visiting.'

'He just outlawed his in-laws.'

'Did you know that turkeys and dinosaurs are closely related? Meet my cousin, Lenny!'