Diplomatic Dad Gifts

"I don’t see how confirming who I like best will help this situation."

"The kids love it, and it's saved my marriage."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"This happens everytime someone asks to speak to the head of the household."

"He keeps reissuing everything I take issue with."

'When you asked me over for a home-cooked meal, I assumed you'd be making it.'

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

Incompatible.

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

'We consult those with whom we agree, which is why I rarely consult my conscience.'

'Dear, you know how I hate it when you bring your work home.'

"Did you get my e-mail about who takes out the trash today?"

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"I'm bilingual. I can talk to parents and step parents."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'We're having an argument. Do you know any battle marches?'

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

Where the framers of the Constitution bought their frames.

"Legal and accounting were O.K. with it, but I had trouble getting it past archery."

'I know that other kids manage on ?5 pocket money - but their parents don't charge them to watch any television programme their parents don't happen to approve off!'

"I am not ‘politicizing the issue’ — I simply asked you to pick up your room!"

"You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. It's written all over your face."

"I cede the remainder of my time to the ranking member."

"Mom, this is Sarah, the friend I was telling you about."

What really happened on the EVER GIVEN

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'It wasn't premeditated.

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

'Your three o'clock cancelled, we're still awaiting the Parson verdict, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

'It's OK to take your work home with you. It's not OK to bring your home to work with you.'

"She leaves wooden-handled knives soaking in the dishwater all night long. Your Honor."