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"I grew up in a very rough neighbourhood, but I've never met anyone as tough as this steak!"

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

'A cheeky red?'

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

'We have a beautiful relationship. Why spoil it with a hug?'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Rump roast?"

Today's special... donuts.

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"...But ASIDE from that, how was your trip to France?"

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

Benihana style of cooking.

"Pizza sounds wonderful. Italian, Greek or Hipster?"