Dine-out Aficionado T-Shirts

"Just give me anything that's lost its will to live/"

'Would your wife care to order sir?'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'A cheeky red?'

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'You and your 'Rescue the Reindeer' campaign!'

'Mom's Diner, Turkey Sandwich Special, $2.00.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

"I understand this diner has quite a reputation."

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Who gets the decaf?'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

Periodic table for two. Chez LMN't

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

"Well I wouldn't eat it, but don't let that put you off."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'