Dining Jokester T-Shirts

"I'm sorry, sir. That's the children's menu."

'Waiter! There's no hair in my soup!'

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

DAVE'S DINER, 'Well, you heard wrong, pal - We serve TERRE Haute cuisine here.'

"Are you sure this is the Irish guacamole?"

"Can I get you your bill sir?"

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Bangers and Mash

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'My brother's a proper cook - he's come as a witness'

Onion operation.

International House of Excrement

Couple sharing the plastic widget from a pizza box like a chicken's wish bone

"It said on the packet the pasta should act as a vehicle for the sauce."

'I'm going to bake you a sponge cake...where do we keep the sponges?'

Soup Company: Chicken Stock, Beef Stock and Laughing Stock,

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'Can't we have something other than curry for a change?'

'You can do whatever you want, Herb, but I sure wouldn't take advice from a bowl of alphabet soup!'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

'I'm sorry, sir, but cheeseburgers are out of season.'

'I told you rosemary and sage, but don't add the garlic until the last half hour.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"The body is eighty-two-per-cent broth."

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"Oh, how nice. You're just in time to cut the vegetables,"