Dining Etiquette Advisor Pillows

'It's ‘Enjoy your meal, SIR,' not ‘Get that down yer neck, Cock'!'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"They don't allow cell phones."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

Screen Time at the Dining Table

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"What a slobster."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

The Last Dinner

I'll have a hamburger.

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"