Dining Etiquette Advisor Pillows

'It's ‘Enjoy your meal, SIR,' not ‘Get that down yer neck, Cock'!'

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"The last doggy bag."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"What a slobster."

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"They don't allow cell phones."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

The Last Dinner

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"This is what happens when you marry an obedience school dropout."

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"