Digital Household Proprietor Gifts

"I swear- the next one of you that beeps at me is gonna be sorry."

"Our light bill is astronomical living next to a black hole."

"We realize that kids start using technology at a younger age these days, so our strollers come with Bluetooth, Wi-Fi and GPS."

"Because webmasters don't take out the trash, that's why"

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

Spooning

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"Our smart home sure is sensitive. Every time I hammer a nail in the wall it screams."

"Which comes first, crawling or coding?"

Gypsy curses didn't seem so threatening after the Mummy went into the peg business.

I think we need to get him outside more often. iPad … iPad …

"The pH level seems a little off."

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

'I'm afraid Mr. Caldwell doesn't want to see you now. However, you're free to visit his web site.'

"Sorry Mom, but I really need to take this call."

"Mom, what's the password to access dad?"

How's this mulch for improving my soil? Not good. It's full of toxic wood chips. They poison the dirt and don't decompose. Just what I need. Subprime loam.

Today's Mothers Day!

"To be honest, I'd be stupid not to take advantage of the market."

'Hey! By appointment only!!'

"Moat? No - sump pump crapped out."

"Wasn't it your turn to drop him to online school?!"

The End of the Worker Bees

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

"Can you play with him for a while? His battery died."

"Honey, please don't talk to Daddy when he's in a chat room."

"It's a smart toaster. If you can't figure it out, press the 'Dumb It Down' button."

'I can't make dinner right now - I'm installing new software.'

'You don't know how lucky you are. My mortgage is worth more than my house.'

'If you promise to never try to openthe locked attic door, the owner will take $20,000 off!'

"Decaf for me, Peter."

'I'm too tired to listen to a story tonight, mom. Just e-mail something and I'll read it tomorrow.'

"...and I can assure you that our price increases will be more competitive than those of other providers."

'What do you mean, you forgot about the coalmining search?'