Digital Decliner Pillows

'Print is Dead.'

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"My email is down... talk to me."

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My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"Since he got that thing, he mostly just kills time."

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

The other digital divide.

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

"I need a more interactive you."

"I know it seems cruel, but it's the only way for him to get rid of that silly technophobia."

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

'Another big newspaper just went out of business.', 'How did you hear about that?', 'I read it on the internet.'

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

Error: Out of memory.

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

Nil by text - "Don't worry, Mr. Smith, we will soon cure your addiction."

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

"Thanks for the offer... but I'd rather see if tech support can get my computer running."

"I can't stand reality. What makes you think I'll enjoy it virtually?"

Progress

"Whatever the politicians might decide, I'm well prepared because I've got enough hate comments for the next five years!"

"It just doesn't seem right. Ever since the new system upgrade nothing is where it used to be!"

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"I don't care what your chat group says. I say you're becoming overly dependent on technological gadgetry."

Ascent of Digital Man

'Miss Wayson, find out who put this computer on my desk and tell them to get it the hell out of here!'

Unsocial Media

'I seem to have reached the limit of my unlimited internet plan.'

"Jeez, dad. Your computer is so old it came with a flag to put up when you want to send an email."

"One fine day my son, this will all be yours!"