Dietary Humor Pillows

Good news! We determined the hair in your vegan soup is from the chef's fake fur coat!

Naughty Food

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'The customer is always right...'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Exit. My problem is restaurants have drive-throughs, and fitness centers don't.

Heart Disease Menu

'I warned you about stuffing yourself with carbs, didn't I?'

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

Maybe yuou simply have too many omega 3 fatty acids

'I try to eat a varied diet. One day I'll eat dark chocolate, one day I'll eat white chocolate and one day I'll eat milk chocolate.'

"There were days he could kill for a piece of tofu."

'If you feel guilty, I can put our high fat vanilla ice cream in one of our low fat cups.'

I've been trying to cut back on my salt intake. I'd also like to do that, but unfortunately, my main source of salt comes from tears streaming into my mouth.

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

'Does it come in soy lite?'

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

'Looking at the stars makes me feel small. I'm going off of my diet.'

"If you want fiber, madame, I suggest you eat the menu."

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

Excess Baggage: From the 'Travel Promises that never meant to be kept' department.

'The diet plate is just like the regular plate, M'sieur, except that you have to eat it through a tennis racquet.'

'So? -- What could be more Zen than empty calories?'

"Can you get on the scale please? I'm on a diet and need to monitor my food intake..."