Diet Wizard T-Shirts

'I think I'm going to have to take you off the liquid diet.'

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

CAUTION: Creative genius at work

'When I registered for this class, in computer programming, nobody told me that it's all about converting caffeine into computer code.'

'Look honey! I can touch my knees!'

"I put an app on your phone that punches you in the face every time you eat junk food. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind."

'Go on - they're organic!'

'You strap it on and it monitors your eating habits -- it's called the 'Fudgebuster.''

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'Thyme heals all wounds.'

"The doctor said I need more calcium, so I'm switching from dark to milk chocolate."

'I think I set the security level, on my anti virus software, too high. Whenever I access anything it is automatically deleted.'

'I don't want you to give up eating entirely -- just the food part.'

A woman stares at a birthday cake that has "4,000,000 calories" written on top of it in icing.

"To be honest, most of our work involves reassuring patients until nature cures them..."

Doctor with pump: 'Hold on a second while I inflate his ego.'

Body Building Mishap

"Cardiac day patients?"

"Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life."

'Look at it this way. The Dow gained 20% or more in the last three years. That's good. You gained 20 pounds or more in the last three years. That's bad.'

Not a Creature was Stirring

'The good news is that our latest diet products work fabulously well. The bad news is that we haven't got any customers any more!'

'The other foot also Mrs Zipsky!'

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

'Actually, the pain is just nature's way of keeping you humble.'

'Stay tuned for a surprising new health study regarding...'

'Chefs, the secret ingredient for tonight's competition is - wing of bat!'

'Your bypass operation will be self administered. Pass by every other meal.'

"Your diet's fine, but maybe cut back on the seeds."

"It's the worse case of flatulence I've ever witnessed!"