Diet Dropout Pillows

'I stopped paying for diet plans and am using the savings to buy clothes two sizes too big.'

Kiss your diet goodbye

Fat lady standing on a weighing machine. Its print out says 'I Quit!'.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"On. More. Try."

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

Obesity Report

"When you tell your Father how you're dropping out of college to be a renaissance faire entertainer, the least you could do is break character."

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

"I had my own blog for a while, but I decided to go back to just pointless, incessant barking."

"Ready to head back?"

"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'