Diet Dropout Pillows

'I stopped paying for diet plans and am using the savings to buy clothes two sizes too big.'

Kiss your diet goodbye

Fat lady standing on a weighing machine. Its print out says 'I Quit!'.

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

"On. More. Try."

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

'However hard I try to lose weight, it always finds me again.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

"When you tell your Father how you're dropping out of college to be a renaissance faire entertainer, the least you could do is break character."

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

Obesity Report

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

"I had my own blog for a while, but I decided to go back to just pointless, incessant barking."

"Ready to head back?"

'Mom, your diet says you can eat all the vegetables you want. Wow! A diet without vegetables!'

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"