Diet Defier Gifts

To do before Saturday...

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Not that sort of body building program!'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

'Like death by salad.'

"Yeah, I got into trouble, but I think the principal really enjoyed my rendition of 'I Did It My Way.'"

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

Secretive Weigh In.

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

Critisize your weight.

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"Well, guys... I guess we'll just have to ask Siri where we are." "No! Don't do that!" "Yeah! We know exactly what we're doing!" "Dude! Have you forgotten our credo?" "Society for the refusal to ask for directions."

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

'Diet considerations.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

"I'm not sure what's causing your stomachache. But I think it's safe to rule out hunger pains."

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

'Eric! Look for his pressure point! He's got to have a pressure point somewhere!'

"I AM following doctor's orders. He told me to cut back to one cup a day...right?!"

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

Attack of the 'health' foods

Mind, Body, Spirit (and Food Court).

'Where do you want to go for breakfast, fancy an Australian or do you want to nip over to Hawaii?'

"Frankly, dear, I think you've been on this paleo diet much too long!"

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

'Remember, chew every bite 32 times.'

'He's on a high carbohydrate diet,'

"Hmm...any dietary restrictions?"

Win-win. Whenever I hear that from you, I want to hide under the counter. New research shows the only proven way to prolong life is caloric restriction. Eat less, live longer. Introducing our new breakfast meal plan: The Fountain of Youth. You get half a muffin and half a glass of water. Sounds meager. Exactly. That's why we're charging $16. But a full muffin only costs $4. And it won't prolong your life. Can you even put a price on immortality? How much should we charge for an empty plate of ai